The short answer
To write your wedding vows, first agree with each other on the shape: your own words or the same words, about how long, and how personal. Then answer a few questions in plain words, such as when you knew and what you promise, put the answers in order, read them aloud and time them at your own pace. Ask your officiant whether any wording must be said.
What should the two of you agree on before writing?
Settle the shape together before either of you writes a word. Decide whether you will each write your own vows, say the same words to each other, or do both: a shared promise followed by a few lines of your own. Agree roughly how long each of you will speak, so one set of vows is not three times the length of the other, and how personal you want to be in front of the people who will be there.
Decide whether you will read each other’s vows beforehand or hear them first at the ceremony, and whether your officiant should see them. If either of you will speak in another language, or part of the room speaks a different one, agree how you will handle it: a line in each language, or a translation in the program.
- Your own words, the same words, or both
- About how long each of you will speak
- How personal, with who is in the room in mind
- Whether you share drafts before the day
- Whether the officiant sees them first
- Which language or languages
What is a simple structure for wedding vows?
One structure to start from has three parts. First, who your partner is to you, through a moment or a detail only you would know. Second, what you promise, in plain and specific words: things you will do, not only things you feel. Third, a closing line you can say looking up from the page.
It is one option among many. Some vows are a single promise; some are a list; some answer a question the officiant asks. What matters is that they sound like you when read aloud, so draft in the words you would use talking to your partner, not the words you think vows ought to have.
What questions help you start writing?
Answer these in a few words each, without trying to make the answers sound like vows yet. Then pick the answers that matter most to you and put them in an order: a memory, the promises, a closing line. Leave the rest out; a short set of vows you mean is easier to say than a long one you do not.
- When did you first know this was serious?
- What does your partner do that no one else does?
- What do you want to promise, in things you will do?
- What will you keep doing when it is hard?
- Who are you together that you are not apart?
- What do you want to tell them that goes unsaid day to day?
How long should wedding vows be?
There is no length you have to hit; agree one between you and with your officiant. To see how long a draft takes to say, divide its words by your speaking pace. A pace of 130 words a minute is an assumption, a little slower than conversation; time yourself reading aloud to find your own.
For example, a hypothetical 260-word draft at an assumed 130 words a minute takes 260 ÷ 130 = 2 minutes. If you agreed on about a minute and a half each, that is 130 × 1.5 = 195 words, so about 65 words to cut. The speech timer tool does this arithmetic for your own draft at the pace you set, and can compare two drafts side by side.
How do you practice your vows and mark the pauses?
Read the draft aloud, standing, at the pace you would use with a room listening. Mark a pause with a slash where you want to breathe or let a line land, and read it again with the pauses. Change any phrase you stumble on twice; if it trips you up at home it will on the day.
Print a reading copy in large type, or write the vows on a card or in a small book, and decide who holds it until the moment you need it, such as the officiant or someone in your wedding party. Practice once with the card in your hand, so you know where to hold it and when to look up.
What does the officiant need to know about your vows?
Ask your officiant whether any wording must be said for the marriage to be recorded where you marry, and keep that wording separate from your own vows so neither is lost. Ask where in the ceremony the vows go, how long they allow for them, and whether they want a copy beforehand.
Tell the officiant and your videographer, if you have one, whether there will be a microphone and who will hold it. If you want the vows printed in the program or kept as a keepsake, decide that before the day, since some people prefer to keep their words just between the two of you.
Vows planning sheet
Use one row for a decision or deliverable. Keep unanswered items visible. Download the blank worksheet to open in Excel, Numbers or Google Sheets.
On a small screen, swipe the worksheet sideways to see the remaining columns.
| Item | Partner 1 | Partner 2 |
|---|---|---|
| Own words, the same words, or both | — | — |
| Length agreed | — | — |
| Draft finished by | — | — |
| Read aloud and timed at | — | — |
| Copy for the officiant | — | — |
| Card or book on the day | — | — |
| Who holds it until the vows | — | — |
A message you can make your own
Change the wording to suit you, fill in anything in brackets and keep the questions that apply. You decide what to send and send it yourself.
Hi [name], we are each writing our own vows. Could you tell us whether any wording has to be said for the marriage itself, where in the ceremony you would like the vows, about how long you would allow for them, and whether you would like a copy beforehand? It would also help to know whether there will be a microphone. Thank you.
Common questions
How long should wedding vows be?
Wedding vows can be as long as the two of you and your officiant agree, and matching lengths helps one set not feel much longer than the other. Divide a draft’s words by your speaking pace to time it: at an assumed 130 words a minute, 195 words is about a minute and a half. Time yourself aloud to find your own pace.
Do we have to write our own wedding vows?
You do not have to write your own wedding vows. You can say the same words to each other, use words your officiant or your faith offers, or add a few lines of your own to a shared promise. Ask your officiant whether any wording must be said for the marriage, and build from there.
Should you read your vows to each other before the wedding?
Whether to read your vows to each other before the wedding is your choice. Sharing them can help you match the length and tone; keeping them for the ceremony keeps the surprise. A middle way is to tell each other the length and the tone, or have your officiant read both.
What should you leave out of wedding vows?
Leave out anything you would not want your partner to hear for the first time in front of guests, such as a private story or a joke at their expense. Also leave out names or events that would hurt someone in the room. When in doubt, ask yourself whether you would be glad to hear it said to you.
Can you say wedding vows in two languages?
You can say wedding vows in two languages, such as a line in each or the whole set twice. Time both versions, since a translation can run longer, and agree with your officiant how the vows fit the ceremony. A printed translation in the program lets guests follow along.