The short answer
A wedding party is the people you ask to stand with you and help, and the roles are yours to define. Before you ask anyone, decide what you are asking for: the tasks, the dates, the time on the day and any costs they would pay. Then ask each person privately, in words that let them say no, and follow up in writing with the details.
What does each wedding party role involve?
The titles are yours to choose, and so is what goes with them. An honor attendant, whether you call them a best man, a maid of honor, a person of honor or simply your closest friend, may help you get ready, look after the rings, keep you on time and give a speech. Attendants may stand with you, help with tasks before the day and look after guests. Ushers may seat guests and hand out programs.
Other roles can be part of it too: a reader, a friend officiating, a child who carries the rings or scatters petals, someone who holds the license, or a family member who gathers people for photos. Write down what you mean by each role before you ask, so the person you ask knows what they are agreeing to.
- Honor attendants, by whatever title you choose
- Attendants who stand with you
- Ushers who seat guests
- Readers
- A friend or relative officiating
- Children with a part, such as rings or petals
- A person to gather people for family photos
What should you decide before you ask someone?
Work out what the role involves for you before you ask. List the tasks, such as planning a gathering, helping with decorations or giving a speech, and the dates they would need to keep free, such as fittings, a shower, the rehearsal and the day itself. Decide what they would wear and who pays for it, and whether you expect them to travel or stay overnight.
Decide how many people you want, and whether the two of you will have the same number. Matching numbers is a choice, not a requirement; a wedding party can be uneven, mixed, or one person each. Think about the people who will be hurt not to be asked, and whether another role suits them better.
- The tasks, before and on the day
- The dates to keep free
- What they wear, and who pays for it
- Travel and accommodation, and who pays
- Hair and makeup, if any, and who pays
- The time they need to arrive on the day
How do you ask someone to be in your wedding party?
Ask in person or on a call, one person at a time, rather than in a group chat where saying no is harder. Say what the role involves and the dates, and give them time to think. Then send the details in writing, so the conversation is not the only record of what you asked.
Use words that leave room for an honest answer. Someone may love you and still not be able to afford a trip, take the time off, or stand up in front of a crowd. Tell them it is fine to say no, and mean it; a friend who says yes to a role they cannot manage helps nobody.
Who pays for what in a wedding party?
Who pays for what is for you to decide and say up front. List each cost the role involves, such as an outfit, hair and makeup, travel, accommodation and any gathering they are asked to host, and say which ones you will cover. Put it in the written follow-up, so nobody discovers a cost after saying yes.
If your budget cannot cover something you want them to wear or do, consider making it optional, or letting them choose within a color or style. If an artist or rental company bills the wedding party directly, check the contract shows who is billed and what happens if someone drops out.
What does the wedding party do on the day?
Give each person a call time, a place to be and the tasks that are theirs on the day: who holds the rings, who looks after a grandparent, who keeps the emergency kit, who gives a speech and when. Share a short schedule with them the week before, with the address, parking and a phone number to call if they are running late.
If one of them is also your point person for vendors, check the role leaves them free when vendors need answers; someone standing in the ceremony or in photos is unreachable at those times. The point person guide covers who to choose and what they need.
What if someone says no, or has to step back?
If someone says no, thank them and leave it there; ask whether they would like another part in the day, such as a reading, without pressing. If someone has to step back later, because of money, health or anything else, tell them you understand, take the tasks they had and decide whether to ask someone else or simply carry on with one fewer.
Update the schedule, the ceremony order and anything printed with their name, and tell the vendors who need to know, such as the hair and makeup artist or the photographer.
Wedding party plan
Use one row for a decision or deliverable. Keep unanswered items visible. Download the blank worksheet to open in Excel, Numbers or Google Sheets.
On a small screen, swipe the worksheet sideways to see the remaining columns.
| Person | Role | Asked on | Tasks | Costs they pay | Call time |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Honor attendant | — | — | — | — | — |
| Honor attendant | — | — | — | — | — |
| Attendant | — | — | — | — | — |
| Attendant | — | — | — | — | — |
| Usher | — | — | — | — | — |
| Reader | — | — | — | — | — |
| Child with a part | — | — | — | — | — |
| Officiant, if a friend | — | — | — | — | — |
A message you can make your own
Change the wording to suit you, fill in anything in brackets and keep the questions that apply. You decide what to send and send it yourself.
We would love you to be in our wedding party as our [role]. Before you answer, here is what it would involve: [tasks], on [dates], and [the costs you would pay, and the ones we will cover]. Take a few days to think about it, and it is completely fine to say no. We would love to have you with us either way.
Common questions
What does a maid of honor or best man do?
A maid of honor or best man does what the two of you ask of the role. It may include helping you get ready, looking after the rings, keeping the day on time and giving a speech. Write down what you mean by the role before you ask, so the person can see what they are agreeing to.
How many people should be in a wedding party?
There is no number a wedding party needs. Choose the people you want beside you, with the space, the budget and the photos in mind. You can have the same number each, an uneven number, one person each, or no wedding party at all.
Can a wedding party be mixed?
A wedding party can be mixed in any way you like. Choose people for who they are to you, and give them a title that fits them, such as attendant or person of honor. Tell the person lining people up, the photographer and the officiant who stands where.
When should you ask people to be in your wedding party?
Ask people to be in your wedding party once you know your date and roughly what the role will involve, so you can tell them the dates and costs when you ask. Asking earlier gives them more time to plan travel and money; asking before you know the details leaves them agreeing to something unknown.
How do you tell someone they are not in the wedding party?
You do not have to explain who is not in the wedding party, but if someone close to you expected to be asked, tell them yourself before the news reaches them another way. Say what they mean to you, and offer another part if you have one, such as a reading or welcoming guests.